Buffy's new Beau
by Hatteress
Summary: LotR x BtVS Buffy brings her new beau home to meet the group. Buffy/Gollum. Hilarity intended.


AN: This one's for you Jamie, I think evil laughter is a little mandatory.  
  
Summary: Buffy brings home her newest beau. (Buffy/Gollum)  
  
----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Everyone stared in horror; there really wasn't any other way they could stare, given the circumstances.  
  
"Well?"  
  
Willow shifted uncomfortably as Buffy's eyes invariably strayed to her sitting at the head of the breakfast table. Sometimes she just hated being the best friend.  
  
"He's...short."  
  
Xander nodded enthusiastically at her side.  
  
"Short, yep, was about to say the same thing."  
  
Buffy smiled lovingly down at her love-life's newest acquisition.  
  
"Isn't he?" She giggled in an insane sort of way that only those in the rabid clutches of infatuation could manage. "I guess I'll have to get used to being the tall one in the relationship!"  
  
It took a moment for everyone to step up to their cue and laugh accordingly. The room sounded like it was gagging through a vat of oil. Buffy's new boyfriend suddenly sprouted a number of noises that sounded as if he were about to part with his insides via his mouth. Dawn whimpered a little as everyone pushed their plates away from them, Giles absently pocketing a rash of bacon in his horrified delirium. The brit cleared his throat.  
  
"And where did you meet Mr..." His nose wrinkled as he suddenly made the connection with the creature's name and the sound they had all been privy to a moment before. "...ah...where did you two meet?"  
  
Buffy sighed happily as her new extension eyed the room evilly.  
  
"It was like magic..."  
  
Xander coughed and only Willow heard the 'no kidding' snort behind it. For her part Buffy just sighed blissfully.  
  
"Our eyes met across the swirling vortex-"  
  
Everyone in the room still possessing functioning brains exchanged significant looks. Willow was the one who spoke up.  
  
"Ah, swirling vortex?"  
  
Buffy looked back to the group with a cluelessness reserved only for those truly in love.  
  
"What? Oh; just some place, lots of fishbones and water-"  
  
"Slippy slippy fish..."  
  
The group turned anguished gazes back to the slayer's companion as something looking like a rotten slug slithered out of his mouth and licked his thin lips.  
  
Buffy smiled benevolently upon them all.  
  
"I can't tell you how happy I am that you guys approve."  
  
Giles very slowly and carefully removed his glasses from his face and began to painstakingly wipe them over with the rash of bacon he'd pulled out of his pocket in place of his customary handkerchief. No one seemed to notice except for Buffy's beau who eyed the greasy meat with interest.  
  
"Buffy..."  
  
If a voice could sound like a suffocating gerbil, that's what Giles' would have sounded like at that moment.  
  
"You haven't..."  
  
The bacon squeaked across the glass.  
  
"What I mean to say is..." The new arrival's spindly fingers twitched as his eyes followed the movement of the meat.  
  
"You haven't...done anything with this..."  
  
Giles' eyes watered with the effort.  
  
"This fine young...man...have you?"  
  
Suddenly all eyes were on Buffy the Vampire slayer; all equally desperate and most showing the first signs of being ill should the answer not be what they so desperately wanted it to be. Buffy seemed affronted.  
  
"Giles!"  
  
Everyone breathed a bit easier.  
  
"You know I'm not one to kiss and tell."  
  
The secretive yet all together proud smile flashed around the room. A tinkling of glass was heard as Giles' hand spasmed and four pairs of equally horrified eyes looked from the beaming slayer to her companion who chose that moment to attempt a charming grin.  
  
Xander ran from the room with a hand clamped over his mouth and Dawn actually started sobbing. Giles swallowed hard and took a few deep breaths before he raised his gaze once more to the girl he had long considered a daughter and now considered disowning out of principle.  
  
"Buffy, you need to listen to me carefully now."  
  
Buffy nodded in a bemusedly happy sort of way.  
  
"Did you see anyone else when...when you two met?"  
  
Buffy's eyebrows knitted as her companion made a 'sne sne sne' sort of sound and yanked her down to his level by her hair. Buffy continued to ponder over Giles' question as the slimy little fellow started to search her scalp for unknown entities.  
  
"No...no, I didn't see anyone."  
  
This time it was Giles who looked about to burst into tears.  
  
"Oh, but I do remember a bee stung me."  
  
Willow's eyebrows rose in interest; and not just because Buffy's new love monkey had spotted the fish tank and had let out an excited squeal.  
  
"A bee stung you?"  
  
"Yeah," Buffy nodded, turning around. She gestured to her bum. "Right here."  
  
Three pairs of eyes, one very teary, eyed the Slayer's buttocks – or rather, the long, yellow-feathered arrow protruding from it. Leaning forward gingerly, Giles yanked the shaft sharply and, ignoring the slayer's yelp of pain, set about examining it.  
  
"Whoever crafted this is either very smart or extremely stupid."  
  
Willow leaned over, ignoring the sickening display of her best friend seeking comfort from the creepy little creature near the fish tank.  
  
"How so?"  
  
Giles handed her the arrow.  
  
"He's written his name on the shaft."  
  
Willow read over the words as Goldie disappeared suddenly from the tank.  
  
"Greenleaf enterprises: Proud dealers of love since the year 110 of the second age (in association with Cupid Co.)"  
  
"No Gollum! Don't eat Speckles!"  
  
THE END 


End file.
